curtains

this blog is officially closed and out of business. don’t come back!!

oh btw happy new year

3 yr

F*** the three year rule! If its going to take that long until the next time this happens….I am in for a LONG wait! I need to break the cycle.

new way…

There is a way out, its quite an obvious one, but something I had never thought about. Its a creative solution to this imbroglio.  It’s execution might take some getting used to, but its better than the alternative.

Slowly, things seem like they will be fine. I will move on. And December might not be that bad !

I am clueless, I don’t even know why I want to write this. Maybe coz its the first time in several years I cry thinking of Mumbai, not nostalgic tears, but those of utter disgust and pain.

It’s scary, riveting, disgustful, tragic and superbly annoying. How do these kids get brainwashed to such an extent that they feel nothing while executing people cold bloodedly?

20 / 21 yrs … speaking fluent English, wearing a tshirt that says Versace with casual jeans – thats the face of terror now.

I am here, safe, away from home, brain drained, shopping on black friday, partying away..

While Mumbai is trying to slowly stand up on its feet.

she

She haunts me everywhere. Out of the blue I get a whiff of her and I know she is present in the room. She consumes my thoughts. I don’t know her. I don’t know if she knows me. But we share a piece of common space. Mine in the past, her’s somewhere in that time continuum. She is different each time, different nationalities, different faces, different names.  Yet, each of her challenge me, make me feel like I can never measure up to her.

I try to escape her, try to concede and let her win the battle, but she continually mocks me. It’s the way she stakes her claim.  She seems to own not just what I owned at a point in time, but also me.

She makes me wonder, ‘Am I ever her?’, somewhere to someone. Hopefully even to her!

survival

 

How does someone who has left, someone who does not exist anymore in your space, still affect so many of your actions?

 

It’s tragic how we let them have that hold. Especially, since when you are in your senses you wouldn’t even consider talking to them let alone cry for them. Is it really them, or is the shattered reflection of us in them that we mourn?

 

Truth denies itself the opportunity to exist. So does sanity. If we were sane all the time, or even truthful, we would be unable to tolerate the pain with which we are afflicted.  So we subdue it, by acts of momentary madness, by happy facades, joyful songs and monetary pleasures. We make believe reality and step over ugly thoughts.

 

It’s a wonder how we move along so effortlessly from life changing events to smaller things which demand our attention. Only humans can misguide themselves that efficiently. It’s good. It’s a matter of survival.

seriously?

You see what Meiyang Chang does to me? He makes me write shayari, write posts, be happy, forget all the crap happening around me, sing, dance, be interested in literature, be reintroduce to hindi, want to travel……..umm. Oh, ya so here I am again. Third post in the day, whew!

Indian idol this time seems okay, not as awesome as last year. Its still early stages though. The guys are way better than the girls.  Although I miss Mini, how can I complain, when she has been replaced by Meiyang…sigh!

Ahem, the judges are interesting and better. I am glad Kailash replaced Udit, he is more vocal and can stand up to the oh as usual arrogant ‘ I am the best, I am Anu Malik’. And Sonali is one tough woman. She has spunk and I like that. She knows how to use charm when she should to shut her annoying colleagues and she knows when to put up a fight. Javed is as usual, vocal, mainly fair ( except when it had come to Ankita last time around ) and poised.

So we shall see how the season progresses.

I have been missing Grey’s Anatomy and House left right and center. So much to catch up on. How will it all happen. I don’t have a TV. ( Ps: Surefire way to impress me will be buying me a 38 inch LCD HDTV)

I should seriously sleep. Or read. and watch the boys piano round tomorrow………. Who am I kidding?

chop chip (whatever!)

• I am thrilled, coz my laptop has sound, indian idol 4 piano round is happening, and my sweetheart meiyang chang is hosting it. bliss all around !!
• I spent the last week at a luxurious four seasons resort in the lovely sonoran desert, got a free $300 massage and lounged by the pool sipping a strawberry smoothie, yummy!
• Oh, and also went around the red rocky Sedona mountains in a four wheel drive jeep, adventure galore
• I am kinda bummed he has stopped blooging. Hmmph , just when he was getting back to blogging that too.
• The week before last was in NYC, lotsa stuff happening, got some (un)pleasant news about an unpleasant someone which killed some of the joy, uh oh..
• While in NYC walked around the now demised Lehman building having taken over by Barclays, so sad..
• Oh, and managed to see my first Broadway show at Broadway, Chicago…the drama!!
• I adore the shayari thingie I have written below, its sooooo cheesy!!
• I got completely hammered Sat night, drank like I was drinking water, danced till people who I was bumping into wanted to throw me out, oh and in the middle of all, called my parents and talked to them completely soberly. They had no clue…. hah, there!
• I am tired of the election, and the economic crisis, and the jobs being lost, and the volatility of everything around us.  The concept of organised society with its economic set ups seems trivial when we know in a few thousand years, the earth will like the scene in Matrix, stripped of all resources. Evolution might reverse itself. If you believed in it that is. The big bangs can think of implosion. ( is that even a word? )
• I havent been to the movie theatre in over a month. Jesus, thats a record of some sorts and kinda shameful, what the f is wrong with me.
• I have realised that talking excessively about something that is bothering you, especially over gchat to a couple very kind ears, does wonders for the mood. The idea of bipolar disorder seems likely too :P
• Oh and I had a housewarming party kinda thingie for which I cooked. Yes, yes, I COOKED. Made some gazzilion ( 7 ) types of parathas and yummy basundi
• What else?

uff

 

koshish to bahut ki

ki aapse mohabbat na ho

in chand dino ki mulakaton

mein dooori ki parchayi na ho

 

par yeh kambakth ishq

kuch is tarah sar chadha

ki na dekhe na soche

dil dheere se bhul gaya

 

usi dagar chal pada

jahan se thokar khaye

kisi din isne than li thi

ki woh na-umeed ho jaye

 

in niyamo ke peeche

ab kiski gustakhi jaane

inhe banane walo ki

ya inhe todne walo ki

 

candles and cake…

So a birthday was celebrated on Sunday. It was a quiet time, not unlike other weekends. Actually, I have had more exciting weekends.

 

Last week was messed up at work. Serious issues, which still remain unresolved, kept playing through my head. Had to cancel friend’s visit coz of work and the fact that I knew I was going to be sleeping all day when not working. Most of the friends around were traveling so didn’t expect much of a party either. It was all meant to very low key. Mostly it was. It was still a very sweet birthday.

 

An elaborately planned surprise midnight cake cutting session arranged by some friends made it very special. Especially when the friend I was hanging out with that evening pretended to be sick so we could get back home just in time for the surprise. Add to that a beautiful birthday present, so many friends calling / messaging, time alone to think / sleep and all the little ones in my life wishing me with incredibly sweet messages made up for everything that was wrong last week.

 

Although I didn’t party through the night as planned, and although thinking about work was making me go crazy, I had a good time. The actually birthday day was super low key, with mostly grocery and home basics shopping followed by dinner at my favorite Ethiopian restaurant.

 

There were no philosophical thoughts, no great revelations of growing older and no radical birthday celebrations. It was still okay. It was still special. It was just as it was meant to be.