Half a decade

I have lost the ability to read anymore. Or write. Words refuse to be manipulated by me anymore. Writing was one thing I always felt good about, not because I wrote brilliant, but because I never struggled with expression. It was natural. Like breathing. Maybe that’s not a good benchmark anymore. Especially since I don’t breathe right anymore. I stop in between breaths; I take deep ones to compensate for the ones I missed; I forget to breathe sometimes and have to play desperate catch up. It’s not natural.

 

 

I am having a great time. Directionless, sure. Inconsistent, most definitely. Super fun, YES! Its exactly 5 years since I came to the United States. I had never imagined being in this country for this long. I was going back home. I was packed and ready to leave. Yet, here I am. 5 years, and still in USA. Still in Indiana. Still okay.

 

These five years have not really changed me. There has been no profound lesson of life learned. They have not made me smarter or wiser. They have made me know myself better though. Just last week I realized that I am selfish. It was one of those moments, when I looked at myself from some odd objective distant angle and realization struck. And I liked it. I smiled, not because it’s good or bad to be selfish, but because when the objective person communicated my true self to me, I was fine. Not guilty, not embarrassed, not worried. I simply accepted it. I felt liberated.  

 

This year has been the most fun I have had in some time now. I am living weekend to weekend. I am experimenting. I am exploring. I am flirting and I am back to wanting to be the center of attention. It sounds crass, but I like it. I thrive on it. I am also very good at it. I feel like I am 19 years old. Like the decade that went by, does not matter. I am back to the best year of my life.

 

And when I can write again, I will tell you all about those weekends. More than telling you, I will write it here, so I can remember when it’s over. So, I know being 19 again, happened. It will make for a hopeful next decade.